As I Sit Here…goodbye 2021

bpazdernik
Dec 31, 2021
8 min read

As I sit here….

(Started this before my birthday in march and now just finishing.)

Tomorrow I turn 28. (Wait….maybe 27? Or 29? I don’t know it all blends together from now on)

28 years around this beautiful sun that gives us life.

10,220 days to make unlimited memories.

245,280 hours of sleep, laughter, sadness, anger, happiness, crying, and all the other joys in life. (Hopefully I got those numbers right 😂)

For many of those years I have battled my mental health issues.

I spent many years crying every night, to wake up the next morning eyes swelled shut to do it all over again. I’ve spent nights sleeping in my car while there was 2 feet of snow outside. I’ve been raided by the DEA. I’ve done 30 days in jail. I’ve been addicted to Xanax. I’ve had a seizure due to heat stroke and withdrawals from Xanax (which I have now learned was the root cause over 5 years later). Iv’e been to the ER multiple times in my life due to panic attacks or anxiety-induced. I’ve drove over 2,000 miles to try and meet a hero of mine, Mike Posner. I worked in Alaska last summer. I’ve been to Italy, Austria, and Germany. I almost failed out of college but ended up getting my degree. I’ve been solo on this journey of life now for many years trying to figure out who I am. But, what I have realized is that you are you and you are special.

You are unique and beautiful and so precious on this Earth.

I reflect on how I have succeeded as well as how I have failed on this journey thus far.

Please, If you have a little time, join along in reading and let me know what you think…

This life is a journey.

This birthday coming up feels different for some reason.

It feels like I am becoming more whole.

I am becoming who I am supposed to be. I am becoming what the universe wants me to be. I am this journey….

I have failed hard. Like do a front flip over the handle bars face first into the concrete type of hard.

But I have also won. I have succeeded in so many things.

And so…. my story begins.

I decided to hit the ground running.

I decided in September of 2020 when I was starting to slip into the darkness again that I had had enough

I was done.

No more emergency rooms

No more dark thoughts.

No more being miserable for 4 months.

No more.

It was time to take control back

I was losing to my mental illnesses again and I had had enough

Did I think leaving everything would cure everything? Of course not. (I did have a small hope though 😂)

But I knew what I was doing was not working and I had tried enough times

It was time to drastically change my environment

So…

I bought a 19 foot RV. I bought my best friends Ford expedition. And I decided to take off to Oregon for a new start. No job lined up or anything just going for it and riding the wave.

The day I started the crazy journey (Nov 3 2020)

From MN to Utah to Oregon and back down to Arizona. It’s been a journey. Thousands on thousands of miles. Multiple national parks. Multiple vehicle breakdowns and days filled with tears. Multiple days of laughter and exhaustion. Endless scenery. Priceless views. Priceless memories made. Friendships now made for a lifetime.

Support the intended is my motto. It’s a simple way of life. All it means it that life will happen as it’s intended to so just support everything along the way. The good and especially the bad. It was sent to me in a dream one night by the universe. I wrote down those 3 words…support, the, intended. I didn’t know what they meant for 4 years but I knew they were important. So, here we are now. A bunch of shirt designs to inspire hope. Poems, books, etc in the works to be released. Donations back to mental health organizations and I believe this is only the beginning of this movement. Believe with me.

I’ve felt a sadness on this journey like no other sadness.

I’ve felt a happiness so surreal I couldn’t process it.

I’ve felt an anger like no other rage I’ve ever had

I’ve felt like a scared young boy and felt like a grown ass man.

I’ve felt a feeling of loneliness I’ve never felt before.

But, I’ve also felt a sense of never being alone because I’m learning to love myself.

Iv’e spent my first thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and birthday without any family around this year.

And it was very very hard. But I made some new friends. New friends that are now my family. Family doesn’t have to be blood. Family is your tribe.

There is so much out there.

Go find it.

Go search for it.

Take a leap of faith.

It’ll be worth it.

Because every damn second of this journey has been worth it.

Salton sea (TOXIC!!)

A few things I have learned/observed on this journey….

EVERYONE’S IN A HURRY!……So just be patient and ride the wave you are on
No matter where you go you will always see a Dollar General 😂
You can do anything you set your mind to
Anxiety can be managed
Tell your loved ones you love them
Tell your friends you love them
Tell strangers you love them
You can’t just run from your problems or wish they would disappear. They will follow you. You have to face them head on. Face the pain and the sadness and whatever demons are in there.
The things you will experience in life you can never ever prepare yourself for…so just swing like hell when the pitches keep coming
Making decisions is key to progression
Took me a long time to figure this one out.
You never ever know the extremely painful or dark heavy burdens people are carrying around so please just BE KIND.
Anything you want to learn is at your fingertips
I’ve learned you can make lifelong friendships in as little as a couple hours.
The RV/vanlife/tiny home community is by far some of the nicest and most genuine people I’ve ever met
There are good people in the world you just have to feel their energy
A common theme can bring humanity together for a common goal
Your limits can always be broken and I crushed mine this year
Kindness goes so much farther than anything
Just when you think you can’t….push a little harder because you can.
Asking for help is the key to learning and success
Every RV park that advertises free WiFi is 100% lying
Being in the moment brings out the best in you
Handling situations is the best way to learn
Family doesn’t have to be blood. It can be blood but also Family is your tribe.
Getting lost is actually the best part of the journey
No cell signal was magical…..and of course scary when you are in the middle of a canyon with vertical cliffs on each side, pitch dark out and you have no idea where a campground is lol
There will be days where the stress catches up…take it easy and rest. I failed to do this at the beginning of my journey and it hit me like a train one day.
Oregon is one of two states that has a law where your fuel is not self-serve they have to pump your gas???? I was so confused when the guy made me get back into my car and was like give me your debit card please? In my head I’m thinking shit this is not good….at the end of it I learn it is a state law they have attendant that has to pump your gas. For more jobs I guess?
While living in 133 square feet don’t ever think you know where something is because you’ve already moved it twice since then and hid it once and lost it four times so give up
You can’t outrun your problems they will indeed always follow you. Battle your demons head-on.
You don’t realize how much football is ingrained into your DNA until you now live in a time zone 2 hours earlier and Sunday football starts at 10???? I hate this! Make it Stop! FOOTBALL is a NOON! Vikings are on at noon! Lol
I finally started to love myself on this journey. I love who I am, what I am, and I am so damn excited for the future. I am still lost but being lost is so much fun.
Lastly, enjoy the damn journey. Be in the moment. Laugh at the battles. Laugh off the low gas alarm. Laugh off the breakdowns. Laugh off the stress. Laugh off the running out of propane at 2 am. Laugh off the getting stuck on top of a mountain in a snow storm while hauling an RV. Laugh off the broken toilets, lights, poles, sinks and whatever else can break on a camper. Because in the grand scheme of things I am happy. I am a bed to sleep in. A place to call home. And my home changes all the time. The world is now my home. Go live. Because it is all so beautiful while you are in the moment.
Friends can be any age. Family is family
BE KIND!!(I’ll say this one twice)

I get asked all the time…“Has it been worth it?”

-My answer is always “Hell f****** yeah!”

I finally finished this today, December 31st 2021. I started writing this in march and thought I had finished it back in June. I have learned to never release anything until it feels complete and not to force anything. The universe will push you in the direction you are meant to go just listen to it and tune in. Back in October I felt a confidence that I haven’t felt before. I was just crushing it. Then, I crashed hard. I crashed into a pretty dark empty hole this time. It was the first time in a few years I had actually had the thought go through my brain that I didn’t care if I stuck around anymore. The pain was so unbearable I tried to shut the brain off for days. I secluded myself and decided its completely alright if it tomorrow didn’t come. Life was going to win. The stress of everything seemed to be unbearable and I had given up. But, somehow someway something deep inside of me had a tiny amount of strength left. To get up one more time. I may not have energy one day to try again, but that day is not today. So, I picked myself up. Tried to put my life back together. Reset myself. Got back to what I know I need to do. And the confidence I had felt just a few short months back was reignited. The fire this time is burning hotter and brighter than it ever has. It’s time to accomplish what I’ve always wanted to do. This time it’s time to change the world one person at a time. This independence/confidence is so powerful it somehow keeps me going. All of us a collective mindset to better ourselves. So, let’s all crush it my friends! Let’s GOOO!! Bring it on world. I have the strength this time to try again so into 2022 we go. Let’s shoot for the stars 🤙

I’ve decided one day I want to be a writer, speaker, creator, positive person. I have a plan to get there and I am asking for y’all’s help. Financially I am struggling and I can’t seem to get ahead far enough to take the leap to pursue writing and my business called Support the Intended. I want to help as many people as I can. I want to help them not feel alone. So I’ve come up with this plan…I’m doing a gofundme/Kickstarter to raise funds as well as having my cash app, Venmo, PayPal, etc out there. If you feel so much inclined to support my business and myself personally I would thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’ve been blessed with so many amazing people I’ve met throughout my life and I am forever grateful.